Rain Rain come and play

In high school I worked as a waitress at a funky organic farm with all sorts of kooky people. One lady, Barbra, told me that spinning clockwise in the grass with bare feet clears your chakras. So before my shift, almost every day, her and i would go out into the lawn and spin.  Then some of the other girls who I worked with would do it with us.  Soon it was what we did on our breaks.  And lets face it... it's better than smoking a cigarette!  Sometimes people would see us spinning from the windows in the restaurant and would ask us what we were doing when we got back in. We got all kinds of comments, good and bad. But... I have found over the years that while spinning the grass goes make me feel better, it is so much better if it's raining too.   Rain Spinning is the best!

I think Gene Kelly had it ALMOST right.  Singing in the rain may be what did it for him.... but spinning in the rain is where it's at for me.

I look out my living room window with anticipation. I see grey skies and swaying trees. The weather man is predicting a wonderful storm. All signs are good for some rain spinning today!

I find myself looking forward to it so much that I keep stepping out onto my porch and sniffing, sniffing for that first hint of rain.  

I have been so stressed out lately that all I want to do today is cry. If the skies let loose a good storm and I can be out in it for a little while... I think I will feel better. I need something in my world to "let loose".  

So here I am, watching and waiting with hope of a down pour. 

Rain Rain Come and Play!

Take some of my cares away!

(my own version of the rhyme)

Buh-Bye FAT ASS!!!

In my past I have had GREAT success with Weight Watchers.  When I took it seriously that is. As shitty as it makes me sound... I took it most seriously when I paid for it myself. *sorry mom*

Today was Day 1!!!  

I already know when I have the most trouble sticking to *the plan*.  Late at night!  

I'm a snack-er.  Usually a couple hours after dinner I get the munchies. And munchies are anything that isn't nailed down really.  I try not to buy "bad" snack food.  But May eats better when she can snack on healthy things rather than at "meals".  She is a Fly By Eater.  For those of you who know her personally.... You know she is a BUSY little woman.

I can proudly say that I'm feeling very confident that I can make this work for me again.  I lost almost 45 lbs the last time I did WW successfully.  I felt AMAZING!  

My Goals: 

* To get back into a size 16-18.  ( I know that some people think this is HUGE but I can tell you.... I would look dead if I ever got into a 10 or something tiny like that)  This is a lot of work for me.  I'm not about to tell you all what size I am now, but know... this is going to be a lot of work. 

* I will be a bridesmaid for my Longest Friend sometime in the future. She has yet to set a date but I want to be ready when I'm called. I don't want to look at photos of her wedding and think " Holy Cats!  I look like I'm about to EAT THE BRIDE!"   This is not a good look for anyone. 

* I want to FEEL sexy.  I have no question of my husbands opinion of my sexiness .... but right now... his opinion doesn't even penetrate my own self disgusted mind. 

* I don't want to be the FAT mom!   I don't want to be at the park and be the biggest mom on the bench. I would rather not be on the bench at all! 

I accepted that I would never wear a bikini years ago. It pains me none at all to wear a 1 piece. 

I also sport a pair of cankles no matter what size/weight I am. It's genetics baby, and it's a bitch!

I have a big ol' booty.  That also doesn't ever really go away. I would just like it to be smaller and still size proportional. 

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! 

Now, on to Day 2

Registering for Fall Quarter....

 TAKE THAT DINNER!!!

Wise

I have recently been shown that the things I've lived through in my short 26 years alive are all for a reason!

I have been able to share some insights with my BIL (brother in law). He is having to really grow up now, and we all know that's hard to do sometimes.

I have been able to talk to my friends in their times of need and more importantly listen to them.  Coffee is just a clever excuse to spill our guts.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't try to learn something new. Something to better my own life, as well as someone else's later down the line.

I have always wanted to be a wise old woman one day, to be someone people come to in times of trouble. But lately I'm noticing that people are coming to me and I'm not, yet, a wise old woman.   Maybe all this is telling me that I'm on my way to being that lovely old woman who knows a lot and has lived a lot and who talks... a lot!   Perhaps wearing this t-shirt!

The Herd.

In the last 6 months there have been 5 babies born, 2 babies found out about, 2 babies lost , and 1 actually being born right now.  All within the last 6 months.  I was even able to see 1 of these babies make his Grand Entrance. Some have been born to far away to snuggle on but thanks to Facebook i get to see new photos often. 2 are no longer with us but it hangin' with Jesus. We will see them later.  Some were born into my family, some to friends, and some I would consider both.

Tonight I'm texting with Jojo.  She is in the hospital right now getting this party started!  She keeps saying how excited she is. Last I heard she was getting checked again and "looking good".  I told her I would keep praying and that I couldn't wait to stats afterwards.

We have been friends since high school.  There were three of us. Jojo, Rae, and Me. We were the CrAcKeRwEeDs!   I can not for the life of me tell you what that means.  I don't remember at all.  But I remember passing notes during all the classes we had together, or writing them in one class only to pass them on in the hall way en route to another class.  I moved states away during highschool and they were the only friends who kept in contact the whole time I was gone.  I got emails all the time.  They were the first people I called when I got to come back home for a visit. I love these two girls dearly.

There have been dry patches along the way, when I thought I might have lost one or both of these girls. But lo and behold, we all come back.   Now I have a little girl, who takes up most of my time. Rae has two kids (3 and 6 months) which keep her pretty tangled up, and Jojo is moving right on into the Mommahood as we speak!   I love these girls. I loved them in High School when our only real worry was homework and boys. I loved them after we graduated and had Chinese food nights with chick flicks.  I can even admit to doing some CRAZY things with these ladies!!  Some old stories include cemeteries, and others include male strippers. Whatever the story includes.... it was mostly harmless, sometimes illegal, but ALWAYS fun!!!!!

Here is to you, Jojo!!    Push him out! Push him out! WAAAAAY OUT!!!  

Welcome dear friend to yet another story!

Sigh of Contentment

Today has been a pretty good day. 

 It's beautiful outside, even though it started off grey and icky. 

I have successfully kept my house clean for almost a week now.  

And for those who know me personally and have been to my house know that this is an AMAZING thing.  I will never be on Hoarders, but I'm by no means a "neat freak".   

I have even had every stitch of laundry done by the time I go to bed at night.  And the kitchen cleaned too.  

It's this whole new apron I'm trying out.  

The "Alpha Mom" apron.  So far I'm liking it.  

Over all, today has been a SUCCESS!!!

So now I'm cooking ribs for my husband, because he loves them. 

I'm letting my Wee One drink out of whatever cup she wants.

And I'm floating through tonight with a...

Sigh of Contentment!

Permission

I was completely conflicted about how to feel.  I didn't know if I should ball my ever lovin' eyes out. Should I be totally quiet and introverted for a while? Could I talk to someone who would understand? Am I even allowed to be sad?

I was told to...

cry if I needed to

be quiet if that would help

talk if it would make things easier

and that it's ok to be sad.

The strangest thing happened once I was told all this.   It made it easier. Easier to deal with. Easier to talk about. Even easier to think about. I try to deal with it when it comes up but not dwell on it. I feel like I have made a lot of progress since hearing from someone I love and trust that it's ok to feel whatever way I was feeling.  She basically gave me permission to feel however was natural for me to feel.  

Mrs Bull

I need to work on somethings about myself!  I have found that sometimes I need more finesse when dealing with other people.   I have found that hardly anyone responds well to someone telling them they are dumb and if they would just listen to me the first time this wouldn't have happened. Or at least would be on the road to being fixed right now.  At least... I think it would.  I have found that in some issues in life I am like the bull in the china shop. 

Five Minute Friday

Thanks Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Fridays!  It has taken me a few times of writing for Five Minute Friday but I think I have the hang of it now.

What we are supposed to do is write freely for 5 minutes. No second guessing, no worries, and no editing.  Then share with her and her many readers!

I, for one, have found great comfort in reading what other people post. Some makes me cry, some makes me smile, and some remind me that I'm not the only Mama out there who struggles with wearing the stay at home mom apron and the wife heels all at the same time.

My own 5 minutes starts.... NOW!!

Forgetting-

When I forget that I'm a wife as well as a mom my husband is good to remind me.  He works all day and when he comes home for lunch our daughter and myself are still in our jammies. When he comes home at the end of the day there is ALWAYS dishes and laundry to be done. Then there is dinner and bath time. And finally, FINALLY bed time! At this point most days I want to crawl down the hall and fall into my own bed and slip blissfully away.  But then I remember the cute man in my house with me. The one who works hard for me to stay home and raise our daughter the way we want. The one who thinks I'm cute (and tells me so) when I'm wearing his sweat pants and tee shirts. The one who rescues me on bad days by taking our little one outside so I can pretend I have a moment alone. I know it's not good to forget all this... but sometimes I do.  Even on bad days when I haven't showered, want to cry, and just need some chocolate and a nap... he reminds me that he thinks I'm pretty great!

STOP!!!

NOT FAIR!

I want to scream at the top of my lungs!!  

I'm so ANGRY!!

I can't seem to stop crying!

Why? WHY does this have to happen to GOOD parents?!
Why are some kids left with dangerous people while good people can have their kids taken away?!

When I have been able to finally calm myself down today I have to remember that Faith is all we have.
Faith that God will be there there with us.

Faith that God will keep those I love safe.

Then I pray.

I pray for healing of baby arms.

I pray for healing of mommy's and daddy's hearts.

I pray for honesty and clarity for people who have to do their job.

Then kiss my husband and I kiss my baby. 

And then I thank God that I have them!

And at the end of the day, when I wonder if I can take anymore

I write. 

Finally in the wee morning hours I kiss my baby once more while she sleeps 

and say a little prayer that she will never have to know this heart break.

I get into my bed and snuggle up to my husband, 

say another little prayer that we will never know this heartbreak.

Reflections

Today while doing something so mundane that my mind just wandered away from me I was hit with a thought that didn't sit well with me.  Am I still the same person I was 7 years ago?  7 years ago I saw myself as fun loving  and up for just about anything. I was still young enough to be stupid and yet old enough to know I had to pay for my own mistakes. I found myself on my own in a very quick fashion, thanks to a stupid but had to pay for it mistake.  I was living with people close to my age. I didn't have anyone to answer to. I had a job, a car and a place to stay.  I didn't feel that I needed anything else at the time.  I could come and go as I pleased, stay out all night with friends, get in my car and drive half way across the state in the middle of the night or just stay in my room with a good movie. I was free!!  I laughed. I was goofy and didn't care who thought I was strange because of it.  I was also never alone.... and terrified of those times I found myself all alone. I needed people to like me. I needed people around so I didn't have to deal with my own insecurities. I made choices in my life that were based SOLELY on those insecurities.

I don't think I am the person I was 7 years ago.  When I started writing this I was sad that I'm 26 and not 19 anymore. I know some people wouldn't think that's something to lament but I did.  I am now a wife and mom, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself anymore. I have a great husband who works hard everyday for us. Who also takes the car everyday and is too tired to go out when he gets home. I can no longer just leave home. I can no longer call up "the girls" for a last minute movie and Chinese Food night because they all have husbands and kids now too.  But what I can do is cook dinner for someone who loves me at my worst. I can take a little girl potty every time I have to go to teach her to do it herself. I can still call the girls and find a time for all the kids to play together. Our movies and Chinese have just turned into coffee and talking in either their kitchens or mine.

I'm not sad anymore.  I just had to write it all into perspective!  I wouldn't trade my life now with my life 7 years ago.  I actually think I like myself better now than I did then.

Worth Every Tear

Today I looked at my daughter and thought about all the times I have cried, been mad, been tired, or just plain impatient with her.  I asked my 18 month old to forgive me my short comings as a mother.  I asked her to hang with me through this child raising business and we will both turn out fine.  I can't express how much I love her.  How much she has changed me, shaped me, and made me an all around better person. She has changed the inconsistent and always wanting to please everyone else person that I was into the confident and strong woman that I have slowly become.  It's a process for sure. It was not over night.  It took all those tears. All those mad, tired, and impatient moments were to make me better.  She is only 18 months and already I have seen how she has changed me.  I can only imagine how she will change me for the rest of my life. 

 

Walked a mile today!   It felt great!  I love this nice weather and May loves it too.  She was all about sunshine!  I know the photo isn't sunny but that wasn't taken to day!  I just thought it was a cute picture.  And I love the two people in it!  

My goal is to walk everyday next week.  I hope the weather works with me!

Grandma

Grandma meeting Mahala for the first time
December 2009
She named her Diamond Eyes.

 My Great Grandmother is 96 years old.  She was born October 22, 1914 in Oklahoma.  She was older than my great grandfather by 2 years. Her favorite cake is carrot.  She gave birth to 8 kids and got to raise 7 of them. Along with her own children she has raised numerous others. Even I lived mainly with her until I was 11.   She has always been and always will be a feisty Redhead!

I got a phone call tonight telling me that she isn't doing very good.   I don't know how to process this information. So I have decided to write about her and hope that it makes me feel a little better. Please bare with me because I write this for her.

I love you!  I have lived my life with you always in the back of my mind.  I have made choices after considering what you would think of them.  I remember such great times living with you growing up.  Laying across your chair over your lap and watching the news with you as you tickled my back with your long fingernails.Sleeping in your super soft bed with your heavy quilts that always seemed to stay cool to the touch. Sleeping backwards on your bed and never thinking it was strange because I was with you.  I remember being much older and not staying with you anymore when I finally asked why you slept backwards on your bed.  All for a street light!  Years of sleeping with your head at the foot of your bed because of a light.  

I will one day braid Mahala's hair and put it into a bun after her bath because that is what you always did for me.  I drink hot tea with sugar in the morning because I drank it with you for as long as I can remember.  I remember so many morning of white toast with butter and cinnamon and sugar on it with a cup of hot sweet tea. I even remember the cup I would always drink it out of. White with a green band around the top.  

Grandma Snuggling Mahala
February 2010

I would walk to school from your house and walk back after.  I could always count on coming in your door and having some tasty treat waiting for me. I even remember one day you wouldn't let Uncle Danny cut into the Apple Pie until I got home from school.

If the weather was nice enough I was in the sand box. I would spend hours and hours in there pretending all sorts of things. I remember coming in and asking for a drink and smuggling it outside to make mud.  I remember your roses.  I would stand and smell them and look at them for long stretches of time. I was always proud whenever I would pick one and give it to my mom when she would come and get me.

I have vivid memories of you being a Bear for me during hard times.  When Tony beat me and the school let me come to your house I remember you charging out the door toward him like a crazed mother bear.  I had never seen you mad before let alone that mad!  I don't remember exactly what you said to him, but I do remember him leaving pretty quick.

I will never forget the feeling I had when I had to you that I was moving in with my mom.  When I had to tell you that I was leaving because I couldn't stand to live with Tony anymore.  You hugged me so hard. And kissed my cheek and told me you loved me.  Leaving you was horrible. I missed you like I could never express after I moved. The only real reasons I came back to town to visit was you and my brother and sister. Then years went by that I wasn't able to see you, because I had moved yet again, and Tony had made me feel like I couldn't see you because you were mad at me for leaving.  I know now that was a lie. When I came back to your house and you were sitting on your front porch in the chair that you always sat in, my heart about dropped out of me because I thought you might not know me anymore. Or worse you might really not want to see me. The moment that I came to the porch and said "Hi, Grandma.  I'm Tila" and you chuckled and said " I know who you are... get up here" will never leave my memory. The feeling of relief was so great I didn't really know what to do other than get up on that porch and hug you like I had never hugged you before.

When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't wait to have my child get a Nickname from you.  And when you looked at her and said she was beautiful and called her Diamond Eyes I felt like something was complete within me.  It was so important to me that you saw her, and named her, and loved on her.  It was just as important to me that we got a 5 generation picture.  I even love that it's only got 4 people it in.  It was the important people! Mahala will probably never be called Diamond Eyes but I will always know that you gave her that name.  And when she is older... I will tell her all about it.  And all about you. And the great memories I have of you.

I have more memories.  I have more loving moments. I can't put them out right now though because I have cried all the way through this.  Grandma, you will always be a big part of who I am and who I want to become.  Whenever I have to tell someone my name and they ask how I got it... I think of you. Whenever I see an Elephant I think of you. One day when I'm old and grey and have raised my children I want to be the oldest in a 5 generation photo because I fell in love with all the photos I've seen at your house.

At 96 years old I know, somewhere inside, that you aren't going to be here forever. But, I will always carry you in my heart.  Hopefully when I'm 96 and have had generations of my family come through my doors, eat at my table, seek my wisdom, and hug me goodbye.... I will still have you in my heart!

I know you aren't gone yet.  But I do know that you won't be around forever.   I love you!

cha cha cha changes....

WOW! My life lately is CRAZY!!!

I'm at home with a potty training 17 month old, who is busy busy busy, most of the day.  She is not napping like she used to either.  She is flexing her independence more and more these days. From taking off clothes she doesn't want to wear and bringing me her choices to not wanting help with things she thinks she can do herself. She is a beautifully smart little girl and I wouldn't change anything about her, but she is tiring!   Then I go to school in the evening and feel like a complete idiot!  I am having all sorts of conflicted feelings and fears about school right now.  I'm ready for this quarter to be done.  And that is sad to say because it's only the first quarter. There is a part of me that thinks this quarter is difficult purely because it is the first. So onward I trudge!

My family unit is super busy lately it seems like.  Dwane works Monday through Thursday and sometimes Friday. Then he has band practice on Saturdays, church on Sundays and starts it all again!!  I have school Monday through Thursday, all the homework, and teach Sunday school. And May is just busy no matter what she is doing.

I need a nap most days!  But I don't know the last time I actually got one!

These are the days of my life!  For right now. Who knows what next week will bring!

back to school again.

I'm BACK!!!

I'm going to school again.  So far I like it!  I have Math 2 days a week and then English 2 other days a week.  

I was very worried around my math class being WAY above my head, but the teacher goes so slow that I totally understand this first week. 

My English class is a writing class, which I can't wait to really get into!  I love to write, I love to spill everything I have onto paper!  I think I like to write on paper better than type on a computer!   I will say though... the computer is much faster than long hand.  But it almost seems to loose something personal. 

My husband has been GREAT this week!!  He has dealt with my crazy schedule, and the lack of house work that has been done. He has even been cooking dinner. By the time I get home from school the house is quiet and both him and May are in bed.  May is usually still talking to her babies, but at least she is in bed doing it.  

I am looking forward to getting into the swing of being a wife, mom, and student.