Reflections

Today while doing something so mundane that my mind just wandered away from me I was hit with a thought that didn't sit well with me.  Am I still the same person I was 7 years ago?  7 years ago I saw myself as fun loving  and up for just about anything. I was still young enough to be stupid and yet old enough to know I had to pay for my own mistakes. I found myself on my own in a very quick fashion, thanks to a stupid but had to pay for it mistake.  I was living with people close to my age. I didn't have anyone to answer to. I had a job, a car and a place to stay.  I didn't feel that I needed anything else at the time.  I could come and go as I pleased, stay out all night with friends, get in my car and drive half way across the state in the middle of the night or just stay in my room with a good movie. I was free!!  I laughed. I was goofy and didn't care who thought I was strange because of it.  I was also never alone.... and terrified of those times I found myself all alone. I needed people to like me. I needed people around so I didn't have to deal with my own insecurities. I made choices in my life that were based SOLELY on those insecurities.

I don't think I am the person I was 7 years ago.  When I started writing this I was sad that I'm 26 and not 19 anymore. I know some people wouldn't think that's something to lament but I did.  I am now a wife and mom, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself anymore. I have a great husband who works hard everyday for us. Who also takes the car everyday and is too tired to go out when he gets home. I can no longer just leave home. I can no longer call up "the girls" for a last minute movie and Chinese Food night because they all have husbands and kids now too.  But what I can do is cook dinner for someone who loves me at my worst. I can take a little girl potty every time I have to go to teach her to do it herself. I can still call the girls and find a time for all the kids to play together. Our movies and Chinese have just turned into coffee and talking in either their kitchens or mine.

I'm not sad anymore.  I just had to write it all into perspective!  I wouldn't trade my life now with my life 7 years ago.  I actually think I like myself better now than I did then.