Mrs Bull

I need to work on somethings about myself!  I have found that sometimes I need more finesse when dealing with other people.   I have found that hardly anyone responds well to someone telling them they are dumb and if they would just listen to me the first time this wouldn't have happened. Or at least would be on the road to being fixed right now.  At least... I think it would.  I have found that in some issues in life I am like the bull in the china shop. 

Five Minute Friday

Thanks Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Fridays!  It has taken me a few times of writing for Five Minute Friday but I think I have the hang of it now.

What we are supposed to do is write freely for 5 minutes. No second guessing, no worries, and no editing.  Then share with her and her many readers!

I, for one, have found great comfort in reading what other people post. Some makes me cry, some makes me smile, and some remind me that I'm not the only Mama out there who struggles with wearing the stay at home mom apron and the wife heels all at the same time.

My own 5 minutes starts.... NOW!!

Forgetting-

When I forget that I'm a wife as well as a mom my husband is good to remind me.  He works all day and when he comes home for lunch our daughter and myself are still in our jammies. When he comes home at the end of the day there is ALWAYS dishes and laundry to be done. Then there is dinner and bath time. And finally, FINALLY bed time! At this point most days I want to crawl down the hall and fall into my own bed and slip blissfully away.  But then I remember the cute man in my house with me. The one who works hard for me to stay home and raise our daughter the way we want. The one who thinks I'm cute (and tells me so) when I'm wearing his sweat pants and tee shirts. The one who rescues me on bad days by taking our little one outside so I can pretend I have a moment alone. I know it's not good to forget all this... but sometimes I do.  Even on bad days when I haven't showered, want to cry, and just need some chocolate and a nap... he reminds me that he thinks I'm pretty great!

STOP!!!

NOT FAIR!

I want to scream at the top of my lungs!!  

I'm so ANGRY!!

I can't seem to stop crying!

Why? WHY does this have to happen to GOOD parents?!
Why are some kids left with dangerous people while good people can have their kids taken away?!

When I have been able to finally calm myself down today I have to remember that Faith is all we have.
Faith that God will be there there with us.

Faith that God will keep those I love safe.

Then I pray.

I pray for healing of baby arms.

I pray for healing of mommy's and daddy's hearts.

I pray for honesty and clarity for people who have to do their job.

Then kiss my husband and I kiss my baby. 

And then I thank God that I have them!

And at the end of the day, when I wonder if I can take anymore

I write. 

Finally in the wee morning hours I kiss my baby once more while she sleeps 

and say a little prayer that she will never have to know this heart break.

I get into my bed and snuggle up to my husband, 

say another little prayer that we will never know this heartbreak.

Reflections

Today while doing something so mundane that my mind just wandered away from me I was hit with a thought that didn't sit well with me.  Am I still the same person I was 7 years ago?  7 years ago I saw myself as fun loving  and up for just about anything. I was still young enough to be stupid and yet old enough to know I had to pay for my own mistakes. I found myself on my own in a very quick fashion, thanks to a stupid but had to pay for it mistake.  I was living with people close to my age. I didn't have anyone to answer to. I had a job, a car and a place to stay.  I didn't feel that I needed anything else at the time.  I could come and go as I pleased, stay out all night with friends, get in my car and drive half way across the state in the middle of the night or just stay in my room with a good movie. I was free!!  I laughed. I was goofy and didn't care who thought I was strange because of it.  I was also never alone.... and terrified of those times I found myself all alone. I needed people to like me. I needed people around so I didn't have to deal with my own insecurities. I made choices in my life that were based SOLELY on those insecurities.

I don't think I am the person I was 7 years ago.  When I started writing this I was sad that I'm 26 and not 19 anymore. I know some people wouldn't think that's something to lament but I did.  I am now a wife and mom, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself anymore. I have a great husband who works hard everyday for us. Who also takes the car everyday and is too tired to go out when he gets home. I can no longer just leave home. I can no longer call up "the girls" for a last minute movie and Chinese Food night because they all have husbands and kids now too.  But what I can do is cook dinner for someone who loves me at my worst. I can take a little girl potty every time I have to go to teach her to do it herself. I can still call the girls and find a time for all the kids to play together. Our movies and Chinese have just turned into coffee and talking in either their kitchens or mine.

I'm not sad anymore.  I just had to write it all into perspective!  I wouldn't trade my life now with my life 7 years ago.  I actually think I like myself better now than I did then.