Worth Every Tear

Today I looked at my daughter and thought about all the times I have cried, been mad, been tired, or just plain impatient with her.  I asked my 18 month old to forgive me my short comings as a mother.  I asked her to hang with me through this child raising business and we will both turn out fine.  I can't express how much I love her.  How much she has changed me, shaped me, and made me an all around better person. She has changed the inconsistent and always wanting to please everyone else person that I was into the confident and strong woman that I have slowly become.  It's a process for sure. It was not over night.  It took all those tears. All those mad, tired, and impatient moments were to make me better.  She is only 18 months and already I have seen how she has changed me.  I can only imagine how she will change me for the rest of my life. 

 

Walked a mile today!   It felt great!  I love this nice weather and May loves it too.  She was all about sunshine!  I know the photo isn't sunny but that wasn't taken to day!  I just thought it was a cute picture.  And I love the two people in it!  

My goal is to walk everyday next week.  I hope the weather works with me!

Grandma

Grandma meeting Mahala for the first time
December 2009
She named her Diamond Eyes.

 My Great Grandmother is 96 years old.  She was born October 22, 1914 in Oklahoma.  She was older than my great grandfather by 2 years. Her favorite cake is carrot.  She gave birth to 8 kids and got to raise 7 of them. Along with her own children she has raised numerous others. Even I lived mainly with her until I was 11.   She has always been and always will be a feisty Redhead!

I got a phone call tonight telling me that she isn't doing very good.   I don't know how to process this information. So I have decided to write about her and hope that it makes me feel a little better. Please bare with me because I write this for her.

I love you!  I have lived my life with you always in the back of my mind.  I have made choices after considering what you would think of them.  I remember such great times living with you growing up.  Laying across your chair over your lap and watching the news with you as you tickled my back with your long fingernails.Sleeping in your super soft bed with your heavy quilts that always seemed to stay cool to the touch. Sleeping backwards on your bed and never thinking it was strange because I was with you.  I remember being much older and not staying with you anymore when I finally asked why you slept backwards on your bed.  All for a street light!  Years of sleeping with your head at the foot of your bed because of a light.  

I will one day braid Mahala's hair and put it into a bun after her bath because that is what you always did for me.  I drink hot tea with sugar in the morning because I drank it with you for as long as I can remember.  I remember so many morning of white toast with butter and cinnamon and sugar on it with a cup of hot sweet tea. I even remember the cup I would always drink it out of. White with a green band around the top.  

Grandma Snuggling Mahala
February 2010

I would walk to school from your house and walk back after.  I could always count on coming in your door and having some tasty treat waiting for me. I even remember one day you wouldn't let Uncle Danny cut into the Apple Pie until I got home from school.

If the weather was nice enough I was in the sand box. I would spend hours and hours in there pretending all sorts of things. I remember coming in and asking for a drink and smuggling it outside to make mud.  I remember your roses.  I would stand and smell them and look at them for long stretches of time. I was always proud whenever I would pick one and give it to my mom when she would come and get me.

I have vivid memories of you being a Bear for me during hard times.  When Tony beat me and the school let me come to your house I remember you charging out the door toward him like a crazed mother bear.  I had never seen you mad before let alone that mad!  I don't remember exactly what you said to him, but I do remember him leaving pretty quick.

I will never forget the feeling I had when I had to you that I was moving in with my mom.  When I had to tell you that I was leaving because I couldn't stand to live with Tony anymore.  You hugged me so hard. And kissed my cheek and told me you loved me.  Leaving you was horrible. I missed you like I could never express after I moved. The only real reasons I came back to town to visit was you and my brother and sister. Then years went by that I wasn't able to see you, because I had moved yet again, and Tony had made me feel like I couldn't see you because you were mad at me for leaving.  I know now that was a lie. When I came back to your house and you were sitting on your front porch in the chair that you always sat in, my heart about dropped out of me because I thought you might not know me anymore. Or worse you might really not want to see me. The moment that I came to the porch and said "Hi, Grandma.  I'm Tila" and you chuckled and said " I know who you are... get up here" will never leave my memory. The feeling of relief was so great I didn't really know what to do other than get up on that porch and hug you like I had never hugged you before.

When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't wait to have my child get a Nickname from you.  And when you looked at her and said she was beautiful and called her Diamond Eyes I felt like something was complete within me.  It was so important to me that you saw her, and named her, and loved on her.  It was just as important to me that we got a 5 generation picture.  I even love that it's only got 4 people it in.  It was the important people! Mahala will probably never be called Diamond Eyes but I will always know that you gave her that name.  And when she is older... I will tell her all about it.  And all about you. And the great memories I have of you.

I have more memories.  I have more loving moments. I can't put them out right now though because I have cried all the way through this.  Grandma, you will always be a big part of who I am and who I want to become.  Whenever I have to tell someone my name and they ask how I got it... I think of you. Whenever I see an Elephant I think of you. One day when I'm old and grey and have raised my children I want to be the oldest in a 5 generation photo because I fell in love with all the photos I've seen at your house.

At 96 years old I know, somewhere inside, that you aren't going to be here forever. But, I will always carry you in my heart.  Hopefully when I'm 96 and have had generations of my family come through my doors, eat at my table, seek my wisdom, and hug me goodbye.... I will still have you in my heart!

I know you aren't gone yet.  But I do know that you won't be around forever.   I love you!